I Put On Two Pairs of Underware.

I hear women talking about feeling empowered, sensual, feminine.  Following their dreams, feeling passionate.  Blah, blah, blah... and how YOU can feel it too.

I'm mulling over these feelings.  Wondering if I ever really felt them pre-baby, if I can remember back that far.  Wondering what gives us the sense of empowerment, sensuality, passion.  Wondering what MY dreams are anymore.

Oh God, wondering if I'm even ... (long pause... gulp) ... feminine.

I can go four days without time for a shower, but somehow I've managed in my quest for getting some assemblence of my body back, to find exercise four times! 

I often rock my workout clothes all day, baby puke stains and last week, plenty of snot on my shoulder.  My sports bra from pre-baby, not quite the right size, digs into my shoulders, strains my neck... but I'd rather spend my money and time on her than buy myself an appropriate sports bra.

I guess what's really getting me down is this pre vs post baby body.  I still feel that empty feeling in my core.  Not always, but often.  There are days when I feel strong, and that gives me hope that those days will make way to a new and complete inner strength and healing, however the days I feel week and awkward are cruel.

The empty space in my core starts out small in the morning.  I hear or read something about feeling like a woman, feeling strong and empowered and I feel that empty space stretch as I loose grasp of myself.  I hear something about feeling sensual, maybe even sexy and the space gapes further open.

Or maybe it's all physical.  I go to my exercise class and we try a new ab exercise and I'm only able to connect with that exercise for fleeting moments, if at all.  I guess it's an opportunity to work on releasing that emotion, but there are days where it just seems to stick in that tight spot in the throat.  Thank God that happy little face is smiling at me when I walk out of the workout studio at the end of class.

I'm lost in this empty space.  I feel blue and pointless at moments.  I feel like I should be able to do more than "just" be a good mom.

I have no doubt that I'm a good mom.  I'm confident there.

I just look out at the rest of the world around me and wonder if "just" being a good mom is enough and I start to feel empty.

There is so much pressure on us as women to work or contribute in some way outside of our family.  Is it enough to take care of a child all day, a little being that depends so greatly on us, as well as prepare all our family's meals, keep the house tidy and in order, keep the kitchen clean with the dishes done, plan outings and social get-togethers, buy and manage the groceries, etc etc etc

Then, our husbands want time with us, they have "needs" and while I'm covered in baby fluids, haven't showered in days, have BO and I'm exhausted from a day of baby wrangling, I'm supposed to feel sexy?

And where do I fit in this equation?

This morning, as I shower, I pondered my meaning and what it means to be a mother and a wife at this stage of my family's exsistence.  I was so deep in thought as I got out, dried myself off and got dressed.  I put on the underware I had layed out for myself, then went to my drawer and got out another pair and put them on over the first set!  And reminded myself to smile.

I know I'm in the process of getting through this.  Finding my meaning.  Working out my emotions.  Strengthening my body.  I need to feel good enough.  I need to allow myself to feel meaningful.  I need to allow myself to believe that even if I haven't found my center yet, I'm still a great mom, a good wife and a wonderful woman.  (Ugg, why was the second half of that last sentence hard to say?)