Wednesday, February 16, 2011

I Put On Two Pairs of Underware.

I hear women talking about feeling empowered, sensual, feminine.  Following their dreams, feeling passionate.  Blah, blah, blah... and how YOU can feel it too.

I'm mulling over these feelings.  Wondering if I ever really felt them pre-baby, if I can remember back that far.  Wondering what gives us the sense of empowerment, sensuality, passion.  Wondering what MY dreams are anymore.

Oh God, wondering if I'm even ... (long pause... gulp) ... feminine.

I can go four days without time for a shower, but somehow I've managed in my quest for getting some assemblence of my body back, to find exercise four times! 

I often rock my workout clothes all day, baby puke stains and last week, plenty of snot on my shoulder.  My sports bra from pre-baby, not quite the right size, digs into my shoulders, strains my neck... but I'd rather spend my money and time on her than buy myself an appropriate sports bra.

I guess what's really getting me down is this pre vs post baby body.  I still feel that empty feeling in my core.  Not always, but often.  There are days when I feel strong, and that gives me hope that those days will make way to a new and complete inner strength and healing, however the days I feel week and awkward are cruel.

The empty space in my core starts out small in the morning.  I hear or read something about feeling like a woman, feeling strong and empowered and I feel that empty space stretch as I loose grasp of myself.  I hear something about feeling sensual, maybe even sexy and the space gapes further open.

Or maybe it's all physical.  I go to my exercise class and we try a new ab exercise and I'm only able to connect with that exercise for fleeting moments, if at all.  I guess it's an opportunity to work on releasing that emotion, but there are days where it just seems to stick in that tight spot in the throat.  Thank God that happy little face is smiling at me when I walk out of the workout studio at the end of class.

I'm lost in this empty space.  I feel blue and pointless at moments.  I feel like I should be able to do more than "just" be a good mom.

I have no doubt that I'm a good mom.  I'm confident there.

I just look out at the rest of the world around me and wonder if "just" being a good mom is enough and I start to feel empty.

There is so much pressure on us as women to work or contribute in some way outside of our family.  Is it enough to take care of a child all day, a little being that depends so greatly on us, as well as prepare all our family's meals, keep the house tidy and in order, keep the kitchen clean with the dishes done, plan outings and social get-togethers, buy and manage the groceries, etc etc etc

Then, our husbands want time with us, they have "needs" and while I'm covered in baby fluids, haven't showered in days, have BO and I'm exhausted from a day of baby wrangling, I'm supposed to feel sexy?

And where do I fit in this equation?

This morning, as I shower, I pondered my meaning and what it means to be a mother and a wife at this stage of my family's exsistence.  I was so deep in thought as I got out, dried myself off and got dressed.  I put on the underware I had layed out for myself, then went to my drawer and got out another pair and put them on over the first set!  And reminded myself to smile.

I know I'm in the process of getting through this.  Finding my meaning.  Working out my emotions.  Strengthening my body.  I need to feel good enough.  I need to allow myself to feel meaningful.  I need to allow myself to believe that even if I haven't found my center yet, I'm still a great mom, a good wife and a wonderful woman.  (Ugg, why was the second half of that last sentence hard to say?)


  1. Maggie! how on earth do you manage to keep the dishes clean???!! and... I guess I should stop reading this and go take a shower!! hahaha

    I totally feel you my friend, it gets very challenging sometimes. I have not exercised lately, but I have put some effort and the baby weight is gone. So once in a while I feel good about myself, I feel like a hot mama with my skinny jeans... and then, unfortunately, something happens. Like today, for example, I am wearing my old sport pants, it's been raining all day and I am sure I won't be going anywhere, so I was walking around in them, feeling happy and being silly with my baby, until I passed in front of the mirror and by mistake saw my stretch marked belly and then I saw it was also big, and it brought me down completely.
    I love my baby dearly, but why is there soooo much to take in?
    Then of course Uri came for breakfast and we had the talk about "when am I really going to start exercising and commit to a diet"...

    Is this a phase we are going through?

    Maggie, I said it before, but let me repeat: I am a fan of yours! You are a lovely, strong, smart, funny and beautiful woman, and YES, you are a great mama!!

    Take care of yourself... Even if it means double layering!

  2. Mercedes, I love you! I'm a fan of yours too! The words that come to my mind when I think of you are rich and colorful, real, compassionate, beautiful. I so appreciate your support and sharing.

    I felt better just writing the post. I feel even more supported hearing from you.

    There are these days, it's not everyday (thank GOD!) but these days where I'm just blah. And you're right, it IS a lot to take in. Suddenly you have this baby and you're expected to do all this other stuff!? Then I think, what else would I be doing if I didn't have her... I don't know. It's like I don't even know myself.

    Okay, enough with that. The rest of the afternoon I actually started to feel like my jeans are even looser! Feels good to be shrinking!! I better not walk in front of a mirror! Although I'm shrinking, the abs are still loose and bow out like I'm pregnant. I suck them in all the time when I think of it, then I have a moment like you did today where I walk in front of a mirror with them all relaxed and I'm like OHHHH BOY.

    You look really, REALLY great. I could tell you've lost more weight. I'm so glad it's gone. That's a load off, huh?

    Add exercise when you can, make it natural, you can enjoy it. It's tough to get started. I write all my exercise on my calendar and then I look at it and feel accomplished. :)


  3. The end of the day... I did not make it to the shower...

  4. Ha ha, then you didn't have a chance to put on two pairs of underware ;)

  5. Oh....
    I am reading this on 1st of March... Which means I am out of the real world for a while. But Mags: you are the CORE of RAW FEMININITY!!! That is what a Woman IS!!! I am really sad sometimes the looks can bring us down...That can change, you can and will change it, believe in time, let the process be a process! All the heaviness we felt carrying them around in the bellies needs time to shrink We were becoming big to be stable, it was a sacrifice (in some weird way) to get heathy human beings among us... AND AVA IS THE STRONGEST OF ALL!!!Seriously! So, it takes at least 10 months to the feeling normal stage... And you are doing so good, I really saw a pretty happy and very sexy woman with that gorgeous baby with huge smile on those photos in the zoo :))))))) your face is so beautiful, you just have to find your sensuality among all the things you are doing to bring happiness in the Schlomers House.
    I also have bad days for same reasons... I am accepting it though. But I do think I can change it, so it brings hopes.
    :)))) I trick myself with wearing dresses :)))) and putting make up while feeding her :)) (sometimes I do stab my eye with the eye pencil)
    I know will never look the same with the orange peel skin all over me, haha, but it is not very visible with the lights off ;) hahaha
    I started regular exercises And I love yoga so I am thinking yoga and exercising in between anything I do :))) It works for me.. I feel flexible even though my body
    fat folds 3 times on my spinal twists :D
    Oh, MAGS, Maybe it is not the right time now, but still, I will say it. You are the
    most fun in the world even with this post :)) Two layers of underware !!! :D :D :D


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