I am horrible at beginning things... So I will jump into it by introducing you to the reason there were US in the first place, and now we are THREE of US :))). So here I am, sharing the song that always melts my heart, and brings tears in my eyes. Orde played it for me after the first night we really met, had the first all night long walk together, holding hands and magically growing into one another through the neverending conversation that lead to listening to this song at sunrise... The first piece of music we enjoyed together...Well, since then - no more shall we part :)))
Ever since she has separated from my own body, I am divided in two: One of us is all ears and eyes and hands for her, the other is all the thoughts and feelings for her. The other one grows exponentially as the time is passing… The first one admires her closeness… Looking at her, my eyes are all joy as I am experiencing the new worlds inside me that are spreading to infinity. I find some deeply buried images and sequences of my childhood coming back to life again through her existence.... Even the smell of it is here now… My mind is visiting forgotten places and suddenly is disturbed by lots of existential questions that float ever since we, the big journey sisters decided to share a story about our life before our firstborn ballerinas.
This is silly, but it comes to my mind as a mama joke sometimes: Did I really live before her??? Was it me who was born at her birth???
I love every single memory I keep from my preEva life… Of course I do have a selective memory though! I am a perfection slave! :D
I was running through endless wheat fields, I remember the most beautiful green grass, and most beautiful lake waters, scented magical springs, high gorgeous mountains – unforgettable snowy winters…. The sound of those dry red and golden autumn leaves on the tiny streets, I remember one looooong wide boulevard of linden trees – the smell of my childhood precisely…. It is the boulevard of happiness… Whenever clouds are heavy on my black and white head, I would take “THE WALK” on that linden trees boulevard, and by the time I take 3 breaths, the world and my mind comes back to the colors…… I remember my mother and father calling out my name in panic while I giggle with my first love on the highest branch of our neighbor apple tree, reading erotic comic book stolen from his dad’s library… I remember my first violin lesson when I was supposed to just hold the violin for 3 minutes, every 5 minutes…the longest hour of my life… I remember every solo concert I had, my sweaty shaky hands, thinking of jumping from Niagara Waterfalls I saw on TV to calm down by thinking of the feeling of cold fresh water surrounding my skin… I remember loving math, writing poetry, dancing, painting, discovering the science behind the sky and the stars and the sun and the moon I was always amazed by, even if you can’t see any of it when everything is grey… I would be fascinated by the grayness, turning everything into dreamy experiences… My interests were spreading in lots of directions. They still are, but I think that is what life is for :)
Being the perfect kid at home and the wildest rebellious girl outside. I lived two parallel worlds since I know about myself… Never liked the attention really… Wanting to be on my own, with people I am gonna be choosing to be around me… Always running away from family gatherings, sneaking out without anyone knowing, happily coming back, so happy I was not discovered, so happy I was enjoying myself alone or with strangers... I was studying for my own satisfaction and thirst for knowledge, I felt powerful when I would learn something new. But still, I was stubborn and rebellious and driven only by my own interests that didn't last forever and were shifting between arts and science very often.... I was very disappointed I was not allowed to go study music high school as a violinist because it was in another city, and I was 14 years old girl... Despite all the bitterness, I was always a great student even though after that twist in my little life, educational system I knew lost meaning for me because I was separated from what I wanted from the bottom of my heart. Very often I was dreaming of having my own violin and playing at the beach in the dark stormy night with the ocean roaring in the background, and the big orange shiny moon hanging in the sky...... I have that dream even now, nothing is changed.. I tried to play again, but all the years of separation left my hands paralyzed for the violin. I do play keys tambourine and gjembe :)))
After the highschool, I still didn't know where to put myself in, which direction should I choose, I felt like I am about to be put in box that is too small and I will lose the air that I need... So, trouble has its new name: me... After I dropped off a pharmacy faculty (my parents wish) I attended a Computer Science Faculty (my compromise to continue studying in Macedonia). The truth is everything was too inviting and I was reaching for anything I felt I need. I dropped off before I graduate. The search for myself is still on, despite anything I have found so far, I am still looking for "something else" out there.
Something you can find in abstract worlds. Philosophy… Books… Music... More music…New music, Old music… My music...
I publicly announce that I am worshiping my ears that bring all the pleasure one can take, I am totally addicted to music, and I am indeed MUSIC SLAVE.... So, I have let music define my personality and take me for a ride that hasn't finished yet. I would love to share one of my most beloved timeless tracks...
I remember buying records without ever having a record player – to be desperate pretty soon and switch to cassettes you could have gotten for cheaper and actually listen to the music… Now, that is the point when everything kinda turned upside down… Music totally has gotten my whole brain, washed it in a weird way, It became a filter for friends, filter for boyfriends… Filter for seeing my future self. It became my only happiness and my silent killer… It was amplifying my highs and my sorrows to endless proportion, I felt messed up very often. Curiosity really kills cats! I even had a phase in my life I was trying to answer some questions through faith, I even invented faith inside of me to discover later that my brain can not chew on anything religious. So, I went back to my empiric self, spiritual only in a the way of not knowing…I got my computer and was totally consumed by all the music software I have found. I was focusing on playing with sound libraries, there were some loooong days and night and weeks and months of music making, I was completely obsessed with my freedom moments to create, put everything I was feeling into music. I was playing a lot with my dear computer called JINX…. We had fun… Music, Wine, Dancing. At one point I decided I will no longer build relationships, and I was dedicated only to my computer, that I even married one drunk lonely night! When not with him I probably was looking for love, sometimes even finding love, then throwing love away, rejecting love. “Chasing conversations around the table” at some bars or cubs.…Nothing really mattered outside my room.…He was my perfect escape, my best friend who I was making music with without having have to deal with people… I am so happy that now it built a professional sound designer out of me!!! I never loved any computer after he decide to just die, just like that…I lost all the music I have made, and was desperate for a while…. But yes: It took shifting between many different jobs that I have never found myself in.. My profession is probably the only thing I am missing during these intense exclusively motherhood days.I need the time to be able to get back there, auditioning...editing mixing and mastering sounds..
Anyways, let's go back...
Talking of humans now, after 18 months of a relationship with myself only, we decided to break up because there was this man I have found, my mind and body were simply screaming to get him closer to me. It was a very tough ride for both of us, since it was kind of a forbidden love. After a few months we calmed down the storms on each side and we were sailing on quiet waters, that were disturbed only by loud laughter and happy screaming. And for the first time I admitted to myself I got all the love I could generate outside of me… We were traveling a lot. Lived in Serbia one year while we worked together on a feature film as Visual Artists. It was also the year of my greatest loss. My mother passed away, leaving a hole in my heart for lifetime.
The next year was the year of my greatest life event:
Me and my man got married!!!
The most beautiful part of the ceremony was the party we had, with the greatest Macedonian band ever – Foltin performing for us!!!
It was a blast!!! The bride didn’t know her own name nor felt her body parts for a while after the wedding party. It was total hedonistic madness. As a couple we lived in many places, our Nomadic life was paused after settling in Los Angeles, 2007… I was all alone suddenly. I Lost connection with every good friend I had, crushed… I had the Ocean and endless coast to walk, so I connected very strongly with California. Venice Beach was the cure for my soul, all the freedom in the world is there I think… I remained happy, being away, at the end of the world with my Chosen One after all. I graduated at the Musicians Institute in Hollywood, worked as an Audio Engineer… He is a Visual Effects Artist…. Together we make a perfect movie, no?! :D We have been to every concert we wanted to enjoy together.… Music festivals, art exhibits, parties, road trips, boat trips, bicycle rides…. Once we decided to fly around the world, USA – Australia – Macedonia. That was the first time we went home in 3 years. We had one unforgettable fiery passionate night… We have broken a bed in our friend’s apartment… In the morning I felt weird, I thought that something inside me started to grow. I felt her, from distance. He couldn’t believe me, but we enjoyed in the jokes for a month and then enjoyed in the truth and the excitement that expectation brought straight into our everyday living. I feel like she has always been with me in a very strange way… I mean she was indeed my egg all this time, hahahahahahaha, but I mean HER… Oh, I was such a happy preggy!!!!!!!!! I talked to Eva every day and night, lived in a lullaby!!! My belly was growing so nicely, I loved it! It was padded and adored every moment of those 10 months. And He took us on a preggymoon in Hawaii, we were on the most beautiful road trip on the Big Ireland, Eva was moving like crazy, I thought she must be endlessly happy. She was 5 belly months old then. So, I met my journey sisters after we came back from Hawaii… And it is the greatest pleasure to know these couples that very soon brought 4 Eva’s friends into this world. Isn’t it amazing to have friends even when you are unborn????
I left my pregnancy delivering a precious little pearl on June 08, 2010. We named her Eva Sofia.
Wow…. It was nice to make this time to be slightly poetic, while you have a little wild girl cruising around you, hanging on your pants, giggling and standing so proudly. My Little Precious Eva!
I love you all, thank you for the patience to read the story of my life before Eva… Stay tuned, cause NOTHING REALLY ENDS!!!